Masseuse Missionaries

Getting ready to give a massage.

As a missionary teaching in Portugese:

Me: Temos uma massagem para voce. (We have a massage for you.)
Other missionary: Quer dizer mensagem? (Do you mean message?)
Me: Oh, yeah.

-Dagny Kelsey

The Proper Care and Feeding of Old Women

While teaching in Spanish about Peter's conversation with Christ, I accurately said, "Feed my sheep" the first two times, but the third time, "sheep" ("ovejas") came out as "viejas." According to my words, Peter was told to feed "my old women."

-Elder Douglas Higham (thanks to Alyson Morris and Lawrence Severson for clearing up sources)

Beware of Big Spoons

A companion and I were held up at knifepoint one night in Spain.  My very frightened companion called our district leader (a native Spaniard) to tell him what happened.

What she meant to say was, "Un hombre nos atacó con un cuchillo muy grande!" ("A man attacked us with a big knife!")

What she actually said was, "Un hombre nos atacó con una cuchara muy grande!" ("A man attacked us with a big spoon!")

His response: "So? What's the problem?"

-Melissa Stringham

Hot Peanuts

The recipe.

The French word for chocolate is chocolat, which basically amounts to saying chocolate in a French accent. This girl in my class had a brain fart and instead of saying "chocolat," said "cacahuette," which led to this interesting exchange:

“I’ll get you something. What do you like to drink?”
“I like to drink hot peanuts.”

-Joel Roman

Sacrament and Defilement

One Sunday during church in Italy, a newer American missionary was blessing the bread for the sacrament. In Italian, the sacramental blessing on the bread should be said:

"Ti chiediamo . . . di benedire e santificare questo pane . . ."

(We ask thee . . . to bless and sanctify this bread . . .)  

However, as new missionaries tend to do, he struggled with the pronunciation of "pane," thus saying:

"Ti chiediamo . . . di benedire e santificare questo pene . . ." 

(We ask thee . . . to bless and sanctify this penis . . .)

Needless to say, he was asked to start over.

-Dave Murphy

For Sale: Baptisms

I knew a missionary in Taiwan who meant to ask if he could use the restroom (xǐshǒujiān or 洗手間), but mixed up the two similar sounding words and said "baptism store" (shòuxǐ diàn or 受洗店) instead.

-Delores DeVictoria

A Laugh for the Landlord (Submitter Mystery Solved!)

The never-solved problem.

My (female) missionary companion in Spain called our landlord to let him know there was a problem with our mattresses. What she meant to say was, "Hay un problema con nuestros colchones" ("There is a problem with our mattresses"). What she actually said was, "Hay un problema con nuestros cojones" ("There is a problem with our balls"). The landlord laughed so hard and long that my companion finally had to hang up the phone.  The mattress problem was never solved.

-Melissa Stringham (mystery solved!)

Flying Putin

Just as likely to see Putin riding a shark.

When I was still very new to the Latvian language, I pointed out a flying bird to my husband. Unfortunately, I mixed up "Putins lido" and "Putns lido." He laughed because I'd told him that Vladimir Putin was flying.

-Lina Blume

Human Sacrifice

Get away as fast as you can!

While talking about the law of Moses during a lesson in Germany, my friend said that the Israelites had to sacrifice "Lahme" (lame people) instead of "Lämmer" (lambs). Everyone seemed a little surprised by that statement.

-Kira Carey

A True Banana

A true banana.

I heard of a Mormon missionary who mixed up the Chinese words for "banana" (xiāngjiāo or 香蕉) and "prophet" (xiānzhī or 先知). She told the investigator that she knew that Joseph Smith was a true banana.

-Delores DeVictoria

The Kiss of Sleep

Good night kiss/pillow.

As a young missionary in Germany, I needed a new pillow. However, while asking the young, cute, 18-year-old salesgirl, I accidentally said I needed a "Küssen" (a "kiss") to sleep instead of a "Kissen." 

-Lloyd Seipert

Set the Table with Bananas

Which do you want: plate or banana?

My sister and I were visiting family in Peru for the first time a few years ago and we both could practice some Spanish. My sister wanted to ask our aunt for an extra plate ("plato") as we were having dinner, but instead she asked for bananas ("platano"). I started to laugh and really didn't want to correct her.

-Karolina Szypkowska

There's Only One Way Out of Salidas

During a layover in Madrid, I decided to take my suitcase with me on a quick walking tour of the city. I successfully boarded the right train going in the direction of the city center, but when I got off the train, I couldn't find an exit anywhere. The only signs I could see had an arrow and "Salidas." Muttering to myself, I said, "I don't want to go to Salidas! I want to get out of here!" Only after quite a bit of wandering did I realize that "Salidas" means "exits."

-Michelle Glauser

Horsey Hair

Quite the horsey hair.

My mission president's wife, who did not usually pretend to speak French, took me souvenir-shopping on the last day of my mission in Geneva, Switzerland. I understood the parking lot attendant's confusion, but I didn't want to get involved when Sister President kept trying to tell the attendant that her hair ("cheveux") was nice.

She was actually using the word "chevaux": "Your horses--your horses--so pretty, your horses!"

-Ardis E. Parshall

Little Shirts (Be Forewarned)

Little shirt.

While a missionary in Brazil, a new American missionary got tricked into telling members that we all need to go buy "camisinhas" (camisa=shirt, inha=little) to give to kids at church. Little did he know that "camisinha" is slang for condom. 

-Kellen Petersen

Poop and Scoop (or Carry)

Scoop that poop.

A few unfortunate pronunciation mistakes I have made are with the word "cargar" which means to carry or haul, but for some reason with my American accent it sounds more like "cagar" (to sh!t) to Spanish speakers. I also have had trouble with "cancha" (field), because sometimes it sounds like "concha"--which literally means "conch shell," but is also a very vulgar term for a part of the female anatomy.

-Chris Glauser

Compliment the Chicken

Knit your own poulet.

I had a teacher tell me a funny story about a time in France--she was trying to compliment a friend's sweater ("pull") and with a mispronunciation complimented her chicken ("poulet"). "Hey, I love your chicken. Looks soft. Is it new?"

-Melody Pyper Anderson

I Am Beautiful!

Some things you just can't hide.

While learning Dutch, some friends and I were leaving our dorm to enjoy the beautiful weather in the quad. Suddenly, one of my friends who was somewhat shy but apparently had a sudden burst of confidence, stood up on a bench and exclaimed "Ik ben mooi!" (I am beautiful!) While the statement was true, she's the modest sort of girl who wouldn't normally shout that across the quad. We all got a good laugh as she quickly corrected: "Wait, I mean; Het is mooi! Het is mooi!" (It is beautiful!)

-Diana Brinton Crane

Nice Little Monster Souvenirs

Monsters and postcards living in harmony.

When I was in the States my friend took me to a mall where I could get some souvenirs. She was American but spoke Polish to me as she had lived in Poland some years before. We stopped by one of the shops where my friend tried really hard to convince me that I could get really nice little monsters there. Little monsters are "potworki" in Polish. After about an hour stopping by many other shops I realised she meant postcards, which is "pocztówki" in Polish. I will never forget that one.

-Karolina Szypkowska

No Wonder Moses Was So Mad

Probably the same look Moses had on his face.

While serving a Spanish-speaking mission, one day my companion and I were giving a gospel lesson about Moses. My companion stumbled over his words and we all just listened patiently as he slowly put the story together. 




He said, "La gente abajo estaban . . . haciendo . . . uh. . haciendo. . . " (All the people below were doing . . .uh . . . doing . . ." 


He just couldn't come up with a good word to explain how Moses' people were misbehaving. The man we were teaching finished his sentence for him with "Un orgia" (an orgy). Ew. 


My companion, not recognizing the word, thought that it sounded right and said, "YES! Exactly. An orgy." He continued to explain that the people were orgying and orgying and that we need to fight in our personal lives not to fall into the bad habit of orgying. I don't think a missionary has ever used the word "orgy" so many times while teaching about the Bible. Good advice really. We all learned something that day.

-Sam Schofield