Avoid Molesting

My brother served a Spanish-speaking religious mission in San Diego, then moved to Utah. Shortly afterward he was working late one night, and his female manager offered him a ride home since he didn't have a car. He said, "Are you sure? I don't want to molest you." He was mortified and explained about the use of "molestar" as soon as he realized the mistake, but they were very uncomfortable around each other for a few days.

Show Me Your Fleas

Not a flea.

One day while walking with someone, I decided to do a thumbs up and say, "pulgas arriba." My friend proceeded to laugh and hold up his hands, pinching his index finger and thumb together as if holding an extremely small object while saying, "pulgas arriba." Turns out, the word for thumb is "pulgar," and "pulgas" means "fleas."

-Trent Newman

The Proper Care and Feeding of Old Women

While teaching in Spanish about Peter's conversation with Christ, I accurately said, "Feed my sheep" the first two times, but the third time, "sheep" ("ovejas") came out as "viejas." According to my words, Peter was told to feed "my old women."

-Elder Douglas Higham (thanks to Alyson Morris and Lawrence Severson for clearing up sources)

Schedule Your Arguments

During my first week as a missionary in northern Argentina, I discovered that the Spanish I learned in five years of Spanish class didn't necessarily line up with colloquial usage. I found this out when I approached a man sitting in front of his house, and asked if my companion and I could share a message with his family. He protested that he didn't have time, and I asked, "¿Podríamos pasar por su casa para discutir el tema más adelante?" I thought I had asked if we could stop by to discuss our message later, but after we left, my companion informed me that the word I thought meant "discuss" meant "argue" instead.      

-Michael H.

Beware of Big Spoons

A companion and I were held up at knifepoint one night in Spain.  My very frightened companion called our district leader (a native Spaniard) to tell him what happened.

What she meant to say was, "Un hombre nos atacó con un cuchillo muy grande!" ("A man attacked us with a big knife!")

What she actually said was, "Un hombre nos atacó con una cuchara muy grande!" ("A man attacked us with a big spoon!")

His response: "So? What's the problem?"

-Melissa Stringham

A Laugh for the Landlord (Submitter Mystery Solved!)

The never-solved problem.

My (female) missionary companion in Spain called our landlord to let him know there was a problem with our mattresses. What she meant to say was, "Hay un problema con nuestros colchones" ("There is a problem with our mattresses"). What she actually said was, "Hay un problema con nuestros cojones" ("There is a problem with our balls"). The landlord laughed so hard and long that my companion finally had to hang up the phone.  The mattress problem was never solved.

-Melissa Stringham (mystery solved!)

What About the Weather?

To help you describe what weather.

One day, a Spanish-speaking friend and I decided to meet with a group of friends to hike a nearby peak. You would think three entire semesters of university-level Spanish would have helped me, but such was not the case. While we were finalizing details of when and where to meet, I utilized my super-awesome Spanish skills and asked "¿Que tiempo?" There was a pause, then he went on to correct me: "You mean '¿A que hora?'--'at what time?' not, 'what weather?'" Incidentally, if you'd like to ask what the weather is like, be sure to say "Que tiempo hace?"

-Crystal from A Heaven on Earth

Your Girlfriend's Hot

While on a Spanish-speaking Mormon mission, my companion and I began making small talk with a twenty-something Hispanic man we didn't know. While we were talking, a woman came out of the house. The man said something to her, and my companion asked who she was. When the man said it was his girlfriend, my companion, intending a platitude equivalent to "Oh, cool!" said "Que buena!" which is more like, "Wow, she's hot!" The man then glowered and asked what that was supposed to mean. After a quick explanation, we ended the encounter quickly and left.

-Ryan Farnsworth

"Que Hora Es?" Video

For all the people out there who never got very far in Spanish and/or who have a sense of humor:





(Thanks to Elizabeth Pinborough for making us aware of this video.)

Set the Table with Bananas

Which do you want: plate or banana?

My sister and I were visiting family in Peru for the first time a few years ago and we both could practice some Spanish. My sister wanted to ask our aunt for an extra plate ("plato") as we were having dinner, but instead she asked for bananas ("platano"). I started to laugh and really didn't want to correct her.

-Karolina Szypkowska

There's Only One Way Out of Salidas

During a layover in Madrid, I decided to take my suitcase with me on a quick walking tour of the city. I successfully boarded the right train going in the direction of the city center, but when I got off the train, I couldn't find an exit anywhere. The only signs I could see had an arrow and "Salidas." Muttering to myself, I said, "I don't want to go to Salidas! I want to get out of here!" Only after quite a bit of wandering did I realize that "Salidas" means "exits."

-Michelle Glauser

Dangerously Gross

Dangerous.

While serving as a missionary, another missionary was telling a story about a guy in a speedo. She was trying to say he was really gross (asqueroso). In Spanish she said, "el fue muy peligroso," which sounds similar to gross but what she really said was, "he was really dangerous"

-Heidi Broadbent

Republished: Mistaken in Peru

Still hiding from the sexy woman.

A few years back, some friends and I found cheap tickets to Peru and booked a night at Loki Hostel, a hostel with a wild reputation that isn’t unfounded. For four bucks a night, we were willing to put up with quite a bit. On the way to Loki, our cab driver asked us what we were going to be doing. We told him about the hike and the three unplanned days before it. “You want to see sexy woman?” he asked in his stilted English. Obviously he knew about Loki’s reputation and assumed we shared the promiscuous disposition of its usual boarders. Over our vigorous protests, he told us he’d get us tickets. “You see sexy woman. You see sexy woman," he said. A knot formed in my stomach. As it turned out, Sacsayhuamán—not “sexy woman”—is the ruin of a massive Incan temple just outside Cusco. The complex was the site of the last stand between Incan warriors and their European invaders in the 15th century. Guess we didn’t seem that wild after all.

-Stu Back

Originally published (in a lengthier form) by Stowaway Magazine

Learning Spanish from Dora the Explorer

Dora: Expanding your children's vocabulary since 2000.

My three-year-old daughter Patcy was spending the afternoon over at my family's house when Patcy said what they thought was, "a butt hole." At the time, she had been talking about being in a car, so we assumed that what she really meant to say was "a pot hole." Patcy typically has great enunciation, so we were all confused when she refused to say "a pot hole" and continued to say "a butt hole." After a few hours of this, Patcy finally cried out "arriba!" which is Spanish for "up!" All of a sudden I understood what she had been saying the whole time . . . "abajo," the Spanish word for "down." I then explained to my family that Patcy is learning Spanish from "Dora the Explorer" and she likes to say "arriba" and "abajo" when we are going up and down hills in the car.

-Brenda Daniels Keizer

Poop and Scoop (or Carry)

Scoop that poop.

A few unfortunate pronunciation mistakes I have made are with the word "cargar" which means to carry or haul, but for some reason with my American accent it sounds more like "cagar" (to sh!t) to Spanish speakers. I also have had trouble with "cancha" (field), because sometimes it sounds like "concha"--which literally means "conch shell," but is also a very vulgar term for a part of the female anatomy.

-Chris Glauser

No Wonder Moses Was So Mad

Probably the same look Moses had on his face.

While serving a Spanish-speaking mission, one day my companion and I were giving a gospel lesson about Moses. My companion stumbled over his words and we all just listened patiently as he slowly put the story together. 




He said, "La gente abajo estaban . . . haciendo . . . uh. . haciendo. . . " (All the people below were doing . . .uh . . . doing . . ." 


He just couldn't come up with a good word to explain how Moses' people were misbehaving. The man we were teaching finished his sentence for him with "Un orgia" (an orgy). Ew. 


My companion, not recognizing the word, thought that it sounded right and said, "YES! Exactly. An orgy." He continued to explain that the people were orgying and orgying and that we need to fight in our personal lives not to fall into the bad habit of orgying. I don't think a missionary has ever used the word "orgy" so many times while teaching about the Bible. Good advice really. We all learned something that day.

-Sam Schofield