Hot Peanuts

The recipe.

The French word for chocolate is chocolat, which basically amounts to saying chocolate in a French accent. This girl in my class had a brain fart and instead of saying "chocolat," said "cacahuette," which led to this interesting exchange:

“I’ll get you something. What do you like to drink?”
“I like to drink hot peanuts.”

-Joel Roman

A New Compliment

In French, "petite bites" means "small dick."

Thanks to John Gough for pointing out this ad.

The Language of Love

Amelie.

When I was about 17, we had a French exchange student come to live with us. During our first conversation, he asked me if I knew any French. I began singing my one French line, "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" I was so proud of myself until he burst out laughing. He proceeded to ask me if I knew what it meant, which I obviously didn't. So he said, "Do you want to sleep with me tonight?" After that, I was creeped out when he would ever so quietly hang out in my room before bedtime each night and just smile and look at me.

-Jen Christensen

Group Nap Time

Directed to the couch.

Missionaries in Germany were invited to join a family for dinner after church one Sunday.

Upon completion of the meal, the mother of the family pushed back her chair and said, "I'm going to go take a nap in my room."

A newer missionary responded: "I'll come with."

The father of the family immediately responded with, "No, you won't!"

-Michelle Glauser

Sacrament and Defilement

One Sunday during church in Italy, a newer American missionary was blessing the bread for the sacrament. In Italian, the sacramental blessing on the bread should be said:

"Ti chiediamo . . . di benedire e santificare questo pane . . ."

(We ask thee . . . to bless and sanctify this bread . . .)  

However, as new missionaries tend to do, he struggled with the pronunciation of "pane," thus saying:

"Ti chiediamo . . . di benedire e santificare questo pene . . ." 

(We ask thee . . . to bless and sanctify this penis . . .)

Needless to say, he was asked to start over.

-Dave Murphy

For Sale: Baptisms

I knew a missionary in Taiwan who meant to ask if he could use the restroom (xǐshǒujiān or 洗手間), but mixed up the two similar sounding words and said "baptism store" (shòuxǐ diàn or 受洗店) instead.

-Delores DeVictoria

A Laugh for the Landlord (Submitter Mystery Solved!)

The never-solved problem.

My (female) missionary companion in Spain called our landlord to let him know there was a problem with our mattresses. What she meant to say was, "Hay un problema con nuestros colchones" ("There is a problem with our mattresses"). What she actually said was, "Hay un problema con nuestros cojones" ("There is a problem with our balls"). The landlord laughed so hard and long that my companion finally had to hang up the phone.  The mattress problem was never solved.

-Melissa Stringham (mystery solved!)

What About the Weather?

To help you describe what weather.

One day, a Spanish-speaking friend and I decided to meet with a group of friends to hike a nearby peak. You would think three entire semesters of university-level Spanish would have helped me, but such was not the case. While we were finalizing details of when and where to meet, I utilized my super-awesome Spanish skills and asked "¿Que tiempo?" There was a pause, then he went on to correct me: "You mean '¿A que hora?'--'at what time?' not, 'what weather?'" Incidentally, if you'd like to ask what the weather is like, be sure to say "Que tiempo hace?"

-Crystal from A Heaven on Earth

Ushi Hirosaki and Adele

Language gaps are funny enough to be mimicked:

Thanks to Heidi Glauser.

Flying Putin

Just as likely to see Putin riding a shark.

When I was still very new to the Latvian language, I pointed out a flying bird to my husband. Unfortunately, I mixed up "Putins lido" and "Putns lido." He laughed because I'd told him that Vladimir Putin was flying.

-Lina Blume