Give Crap for Christmas

A few weeks ago, in the car with Michael, I saw this (or some version of it):





Michelle: "Gift wrap wonderland, huh."
Michael: "Huh?"
Michelle: "That's what it said on the ad for The Container Store."
Michael: "Why would they call it that?"
Michelle: "For Christmas . . . ? What do you mean?"
Michael: "Give crap wonderland?"
Michelle: "Ah, no. Gift. Wrap. Wonderland."
Michael: "Yeah, that makes more sense."

Chubby with a Good Constitution

Mixing languages can make for some pretty humorous situations, such as the following from Love Actually (sorry for the bad language in the first clip and the horrible quality of the second):











Thanks to Michael Tsai for the submission.

Barf: For Fresh-Smelling Clothes

Barf: for fresh-smelling clothes.

Apparently, Armenian laundry detergent has a Farsi name that is funny in English.

"Barf" means "snow" in Farsi.

A New Compliment

In French, "petite bites" means "small dick."

Thanks to John Gough for pointing out this ad.

Ushi Hirosaki and Adele

Language gaps are funny enough to be mimicked:

Thanks to Heidi Glauser.

Preaching in the Nude

There was a brand new missionary to Quebec and as is often the custom he was asked to introduce himself to the congregation at church. He said 'Bonjour, je m'appelle Elder Smith et je suis 'new'." In his nervousness he had forgotten the French word for new, which is "nouveau" and had unfortunately substituted it with the English word "new." The entire congregation erupted into a tremendous laugh at hearing the Elder say he was "naked."

-David Jarvis

Employ that Ticket!

A lecturing German caught in bronze.

Once when planning to board a train in Germany early in the morning, I discovered to my horror that my ticket needed to be validated before being used. Unfortunately, at that time of the morning, there weren't any employees at the information desk or elsewhere. The only person I could find who might be able to help me was the driver of the train. He saw me motioning to him and stepped out. What I should have asked was, "Am I allowed to use this ticket?" "Darf ich dieses Ticket benutzen?" but the only thing I could think to ask was, "Arbeitet dieses Ticket?": literally, "Does this ticket labor?" (At that time, I didn't know the word "funktionieren," which might have worked better.) I knew my words weren't conducive to my meaning, so I tried some simple English when I saw the man was confused and probably also upset that I had disturbed him. He scared me off by gruffly saying, "Wir sind in Deutschland! Wir sprechen Deutsch!" (We're in Germany! We speak German!)

Luckily I liked Germany so much anyway that I moved there later.

-Michelle Glauser

Some Balls Need More Dodging Than Others

Dodge Ball Night.

While I was studying in America for one semester, I was able to participate in activities with other students every Monday night. One night, we played dodge ball. There was one boy, Ian, who always threw the ball extremely hard. I was really scared to get hit by him, but someone else ended up hitting me. As I left the field, I said to a friend, "I'm so scared of Ian's balls!"

-Rebekka Weidmann

The Kiss of Sleep

Good night kiss/pillow.

As a young missionary in Germany, I needed a new pillow. However, while asking the young, cute, 18-year-old salesgirl, I accidentally said I needed a "Küssen" (a "kiss") to sleep instead of a "Kissen." 

-Lloyd Seipert

Hot Diggety Dog

Hot dog.

When my husband was posted in Germany, I was walking down the street one day when I decided to buy a bratwurst from a street vendor. Approaching the stand, I asked for a "heißen Hund." The smile on the vendor's face told me that the American term "hot dog" doesn't mean the same thing in German.

-Carol Seipert

A Party Pooper and a Happy Clam Walk Into a Bar

A German expounds on the confusion that is English.







(Thanks to Heather for the heads up on these YouTube videos.)

Republished: Mistaken in Peru

Still hiding from the sexy woman.

A few years back, some friends and I found cheap tickets to Peru and booked a night at Loki Hostel, a hostel with a wild reputation that isn’t unfounded. For four bucks a night, we were willing to put up with quite a bit. On the way to Loki, our cab driver asked us what we were going to be doing. We told him about the hike and the three unplanned days before it. “You want to see sexy woman?” he asked in his stilted English. Obviously he knew about Loki’s reputation and assumed we shared the promiscuous disposition of its usual boarders. Over our vigorous protests, he told us he’d get us tickets. “You see sexy woman. You see sexy woman," he said. A knot formed in my stomach. As it turned out, Sacsayhuamán—not “sexy woman”—is the ruin of a massive Incan temple just outside Cusco. The complex was the site of the last stand between Incan warriors and their European invaders in the 15th century. Guess we didn’t seem that wild after all.

-Stu Back

Originally published (in a lengthier form) by Stowaway Magazine

Cute Little What?

Didn't think teddy bears would embarrass you.

Teaching your kids proper pronunciation can be more important than you think. We were at the store and my daughter yelled: "Dad, check out these titties!"
Me: "What?"
My daughter: "These little titties! Aren't they cute?"
Me (I notice she's pointing at little teddy bears): "Oh . . . those teddies? [Pronouncing it loud and slow as I try to shuffle her away]. Yeah, they're cute."
My daughter (walking away and SUPER loud): "Yeah Dad, those titties are way cute."

  -Sita Ripley

Long Tongue

Was his tongue this long?

When I made my first visit to the U.K., I wanted to tell one of my colleagues that he had a big mouth after he told others a secret I had confided in him. Unfortunately, I literally translated a Polish expression--"masz długi język" became "you've got a long tongue." He looked at me weird and I had no idea of the mistake I had made for quite some time.

-Karolina Szypkowska

Michael Jackson

You didn't know he was Taiwanese, did you?

During my second trip to the U.S. (I'm from Taiwan), my mom enrolled me in a summer day care program, in hopes that I would learn English.

One day during recess, I was standing next to three classmates.

One asked me, "Michael, what's your last name?" I gave a puzzled look. She asked again, "What's your last name?" Again, I gave that confused look. She said, "You know, Michael . . ." and paused after my first name.

I thought maybe she was asking if I knew any famous people named Michael. So when she gave her last attempt and said, "Michael . . . you know, Michael what?" I blurted out "Jackson." Immediately the three burst out laughing, and I realized that I had said something completely out of context, but I still didn’t know what “last name” meant.

To make matters worse, the same girl later asked the teacher to ask me the same question once we returned to the classroom. Again I said, "Jackson." That's when my teacher politely corrected me and told me, "No it is Tsai, your last name is Tsai." That's how I learned what a last name is.

-Michael Tsai