Two Smelling (or Smelly?) Wives

It's been ages since the last post, but I heard such a good one yesterday that I had to share:

My friend and her husband were having a difficult conversation with their Chinese hosts about how they needed to move out, and the man kept saying, "You can smell with my wife?" and "You and my wife can smell together?"

There were ten minutes of awkward back-and-forth conversation while they tried to figure out what he meant until finally they realized that instead of "smell," he meant "smile." Apparently that was his way of saying that they could agree and be satisfied.

The Proper Care and Feeding of Old Women

While teaching in Spanish about Peter's conversation with Christ, I accurately said, "Feed my sheep" the first two times, but the third time, "sheep" ("ovejas") came out as "viejas." According to my words, Peter was told to feed "my old women."

-Elder Douglas Higham (thanks to Alyson Morris and Lawrence Severson for clearing up sources)

Schedule Your Arguments

During my first week as a missionary in northern Argentina, I discovered that the Spanish I learned in five years of Spanish class didn't necessarily line up with colloquial usage. I found this out when I approached a man sitting in front of his house, and asked if my companion and I could share a message with his family. He protested that he didn't have time, and I asked, "¿Podríamos pasar por su casa para discutir el tema más adelante?" I thought I had asked if we could stop by to discuss our message later, but after we left, my companion informed me that the word I thought meant "discuss" meant "argue" instead.      

-Michael H.

Beware of Big Spoons

A companion and I were held up at knifepoint one night in Spain.  My very frightened companion called our district leader (a native Spaniard) to tell him what happened.

What she meant to say was, "Un hombre nos atacó con un cuchillo muy grande!" ("A man attacked us with a big knife!")

What she actually said was, "Un hombre nos atacó con una cuchara muy grande!" ("A man attacked us with a big spoon!")

His response: "So? What's the problem?"

-Melissa Stringham

Hot Peanuts

The recipe.

The French word for chocolate is chocolat, which basically amounts to saying chocolate in a French accent. This girl in my class had a brain fart and instead of saying "chocolat," said "cacahuette," which led to this interesting exchange:

“I’ll get you something. What do you like to drink?”
“I like to drink hot peanuts.”

-Joel Roman

Sacrament and Defilement

One Sunday during church in Italy, a newer American missionary was blessing the bread for the sacrament. In Italian, the sacramental blessing on the bread should be said:

"Ti chiediamo . . . di benedire e santificare questo pane . . ."

(We ask thee . . . to bless and sanctify this bread . . .)  

However, as new missionaries tend to do, he struggled with the pronunciation of "pane," thus saying:

"Ti chiediamo . . . di benedire e santificare questo pene . . ." 

(We ask thee . . . to bless and sanctify this penis . . .)

Needless to say, he was asked to start over.

-Dave Murphy

A Laugh for the Landlord (Submitter Mystery Solved!)

The never-solved problem.

My (female) missionary companion in Spain called our landlord to let him know there was a problem with our mattresses. What she meant to say was, "Hay un problema con nuestros colchones" ("There is a problem with our mattresses"). What she actually said was, "Hay un problema con nuestros cojones" ("There is a problem with our balls"). The landlord laughed so hard and long that my companion finally had to hang up the phone.  The mattress problem was never solved.

-Melissa Stringham (mystery solved!)

Flying Putin

Just as likely to see Putin riding a shark.

When I was still very new to the Latvian language, I pointed out a flying bird to my husband. Unfortunately, I mixed up "Putins lido" and "Putns lido." He laughed because I'd told him that Vladimir Putin was flying.

-Lina Blume

Human Sacrifice

Get away as fast as you can!

While talking about the law of Moses during a lesson in Germany, my friend said that the Israelites had to sacrifice "Lahme" (lame people) instead of "Lämmer" (lambs). Everyone seemed a little surprised by that statement.

-Kira Carey

Do, Destroy . . . You Know

Destroy!

On my mission to Germany I heard one elder bear testimony on fast Sunday that he was so grateful to be able to "destroy" the work of the Lord. He had meant to say to "do" the work of the Lord. The German words "verrichten" and "vernichten" are very similar indeed.

-Micheline Jarvis

Special Experiences

What kind of experience is Japanese food?

The worst I've heard of is a common mistake in Japanese. In the MTC they were quick to warn me not to mix up the words "reiteki" (spiritual) and "seiteki" (sexual). Very awkward if you want to tell others about a spiritual experience you had with your companion.

-Danniey Wright

A True Banana

A true banana.

I heard of a Mormon missionary who mixed up the Chinese words for "banana" (xiāngjiāo or 香蕉) and "prophet" (xiānzhī or 先知). She told the investigator that she knew that Joseph Smith was a true banana.

-Delores DeVictoria

The Kiss of Sleep

Good night kiss/pillow.

As a young missionary in Germany, I needed a new pillow. However, while asking the young, cute, 18-year-old salesgirl, I accidentally said I needed a "Küssen" (a "kiss") to sleep instead of a "Kissen." 

-Lloyd Seipert

Set the Table with Bananas

Which do you want: plate or banana?

My sister and I were visiting family in Peru for the first time a few years ago and we both could practice some Spanish. My sister wanted to ask our aunt for an extra plate ("plato") as we were having dinner, but instead she asked for bananas ("platano"). I started to laugh and really didn't want to correct her.

-Karolina Szypkowska

Dangerously Gross

Dangerous.

While serving as a missionary, another missionary was telling a story about a guy in a speedo. She was trying to say he was really gross (asqueroso). In Spanish she said, "el fue muy peligroso," which sounds similar to gross but what she really said was, "he was really dangerous"

-Heidi Broadbent

Horsey Hair

Quite the horsey hair.

My mission president's wife, who did not usually pretend to speak French, took me souvenir-shopping on the last day of my mission in Geneva, Switzerland. I understood the parking lot attendant's confusion, but I didn't want to get involved when Sister President kept trying to tell the attendant that her hair ("cheveux") was nice.

She was actually using the word "chevaux": "Your horses--your horses--so pretty, your horses!"

-Ardis E. Parshall

Matters of Life and Death

Answer: Death Valley.

Learning to speak Portuguese can be especially frustrating when you sit next to a know-it-all native Spanish speaker. I couldn't help but smile when my classmate, intending to ask a native Brazilian where she lived ("de onde você mora?"), instead asked, "de onde você morre?" ("Where did you die?").

-Tracy Thorsen

Compliment the Chicken

Knit your own poulet.

I had a teacher tell me a funny story about a time in France--she was trying to compliment a friend's sweater ("pull") and with a mispronunciation complimented her chicken ("poulet"). "Hey, I love your chicken. Looks soft. Is it new?"

-Melody Pyper Anderson

I Am Beautiful!

Some things you just can't hide.

While learning Dutch, some friends and I were leaving our dorm to enjoy the beautiful weather in the quad. Suddenly, one of my friends who was somewhat shy but apparently had a sudden burst of confidence, stood up on a bench and exclaimed "Ik ben mooi!" (I am beautiful!) While the statement was true, she's the modest sort of girl who wouldn't normally shout that across the quad. We all got a good laugh as she quickly corrected: "Wait, I mean; Het is mooi! Het is mooi!" (It is beautiful!)

-Diana Brinton Crane

Nice Little Monster Souvenirs

Monsters and postcards living in harmony.

When I was in the States my friend took me to a mall where I could get some souvenirs. She was American but spoke Polish to me as she had lived in Poland some years before. We stopped by one of the shops where my friend tried really hard to convince me that I could get really nice little monsters there. Little monsters are "potworki" in Polish. After about an hour stopping by many other shops I realised she meant postcards, which is "pocztówki" in Polish. I will never forget that one.

-Karolina Szypkowska