Avoid Molesting

My brother served a Spanish-speaking religious mission in San Diego, then moved to Utah. Shortly afterward he was working late one night, and his female manager offered him a ride home since he didn't have a car. He said, "Are you sure? I don't want to molest you." He was mortified and explained about the use of "molestar" as soon as he realized the mistake, but they were very uncomfortable around each other for a few days.

Evil Chinese Dumplings

Once when the missionaries were speaking in church, one talked about the "wanton evilness of the world," except he pronounced it WONTON. Luckily we were sitting in the foyer because I started laughing so hard I ended up coughing and choking thinking about evil Chinese dumplings.

-Jennifer Sauls

Masseuse Missionaries

Getting ready to give a massage.

As a missionary teaching in Portugese:

Me: Temos uma massagem para voce. (We have a massage for you.)
Other missionary: Quer dizer mensagem? (Do you mean message?)
Me: Oh, yeah.

-Dagny Kelsey

TMI

Did you say what I think you just said?

While serving a Mormon mission in the Philippines, I was transferred to another of 80 islands that spoke a different dialect. When I tried to explain that I did not understand their dialect with the one that I roughly knew, I actually said (in a very crude and broken up way) that I had very little pubic hair.

-Sean Holcomb

The Proper Care and Feeding of Old Women

While teaching in Spanish about Peter's conversation with Christ, I accurately said, "Feed my sheep" the first two times, but the third time, "sheep" ("ovejas") came out as "viejas." According to my words, Peter was told to feed "my old women."

-Elder Douglas Higham (thanks to Alyson Morris and Lawrence Severson for clearing up sources)

Only One Way Out of This Mess

Start Looking.

Two missionaries parked their car on a street in Germany before going to a meeting. Upon leaving the meeting, they could no longer find their car and called a local church member in hopes that he could look up the name of the street where they parked and direct them to it. Proud that they had at least taken note of the name of the street, they announced to the local member, "It was on Einbahnstraße." Little did they know that "Einbahnstraße" means "one-way street."

-Michelle Glauser

And a Blabbergasted personal side note: co-founder Autumn is having surgery today. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Wives Are People, Too

One missionary was talking to someone about the Mormon church and he wanted to say, "We have a lot of people in the church." Instead of saying, "Žmonių" ("people"), he said, "Žmonų," so his claim turned into, "We have a lot of wives."

-Lina Blume

Schedule Your Arguments

During my first week as a missionary in northern Argentina, I discovered that the Spanish I learned in five years of Spanish class didn't necessarily line up with colloquial usage. I found this out when I approached a man sitting in front of his house, and asked if my companion and I could share a message with his family. He protested that he didn't have time, and I asked, "¿Podríamos pasar por su casa para discutir el tema más adelante?" I thought I had asked if we could stop by to discuss our message later, but after we left, my companion informed me that the word I thought meant "discuss" meant "argue" instead.      

-Michael H.

Beware of Big Spoons

A companion and I were held up at knifepoint one night in Spain.  My very frightened companion called our district leader (a native Spaniard) to tell him what happened.

What she meant to say was, "Un hombre nos atacó con un cuchillo muy grande!" ("A man attacked us with a big knife!")

What she actually said was, "Un hombre nos atacó con una cuchara muy grande!" ("A man attacked us with a big spoon!")

His response: "So? What's the problem?"

-Melissa Stringham

For Sale: Baptisms

I knew a missionary in Taiwan who meant to ask if he could use the restroom (xǐshǒujiān or 洗手間), but mixed up the two similar sounding words and said "baptism store" (shòuxǐ diàn or 受洗店) instead.

-Delores DeVictoria

A Laugh for the Landlord (Submitter Mystery Solved!)

The never-solved problem.

My (female) missionary companion in Spain called our landlord to let him know there was a problem with our mattresses. What she meant to say was, "Hay un problema con nuestros colchones" ("There is a problem with our mattresses"). What she actually said was, "Hay un problema con nuestros cojones" ("There is a problem with our balls"). The landlord laughed so hard and long that my companion finally had to hang up the phone.  The mattress problem was never solved.

-Melissa Stringham (mystery solved!)

Your Girlfriend's Hot

While on a Spanish-speaking Mormon mission, my companion and I began making small talk with a twenty-something Hispanic man we didn't know. While we were talking, a woman came out of the house. The man said something to her, and my companion asked who she was. When the man said it was his girlfriend, my companion, intending a platitude equivalent to "Oh, cool!" said "Que buena!" which is more like, "Wow, she's hot!" The man then glowered and asked what that was supposed to mean. After a quick explanation, we ended the encounter quickly and left.

-Ryan Farnsworth

Say Hello to My Little Friend

Little friends.

While giving the Holy Ghost to a young boy as a missionary, I added the words "my little friend," which would be just fine in English. However, since I was speaking French, my "petit ami" didn't hold the same meaning. I was told later that I had called the boy my boyfriend.

-Anonymous (you know who you are)

Preaching in the Nude

There was a brand new missionary to Quebec and as is often the custom he was asked to introduce himself to the congregation at church. He said 'Bonjour, je m'appelle Elder Smith et je suis 'new'." In his nervousness he had forgotten the French word for new, which is "nouveau" and had unfortunately substituted it with the English word "new." The entire congregation erupted into a tremendous laugh at hearing the Elder say he was "naked."

-David Jarvis

Choked

Are you choking or can I offer some other kind of support?

I cannot vouch that this actually happened; it may be one of those mission field urban legends, But just in case:
It is reported that an experienced missionary in the French missions sometimes picked up a brand new junior companion at the train station, pretending to have such a raspy voice and sore throat that he needed the new man to request cough drops from the pharmacist. The new guy, not yet having a vocabulary that included medicinal terms, carefully practiced what he was told was the French word for cough drops: "soutien-gorge" (literally: "support-throat"). The newcomer would approach the counter and announce that he was in need of some very strong, very powerful soutiens-gorges, while the senior missionary would watch from a distance . . . where he could laugh at the red-faced younger missionary who had to endure the pharmacist's sign-language explanation that a soutien-gorge was a woman's brassiere.

-Ardis E. Parshall

Human Sacrifice

Get away as fast as you can!

While talking about the law of Moses during a lesson in Germany, my friend said that the Israelites had to sacrifice "Lahme" (lame people) instead of "Lämmer" (lambs). Everyone seemed a little surprised by that statement.

-Kira Carey

Special Experiences

What kind of experience is Japanese food?

The worst I've heard of is a common mistake in Japanese. In the MTC they were quick to warn me not to mix up the words "reiteki" (spiritual) and "seiteki" (sexual). Very awkward if you want to tell others about a spiritual experience you had with your companion.

-Danniey Wright

A True Banana

A true banana.

I heard of a Mormon missionary who mixed up the Chinese words for "banana" (xiāngjiāo or 香蕉) and "prophet" (xiānzhī or 先知). She told the investigator that she knew that Joseph Smith was a true banana.

-Delores DeVictoria

The Kiss of Sleep

Good night kiss/pillow.

As a young missionary in Germany, I needed a new pillow. However, while asking the young, cute, 18-year-old salesgirl, I accidentally said I needed a "Küssen" (a "kiss") to sleep instead of a "Kissen." 

-Lloyd Seipert

Dangerously Gross

Dangerous.

While serving as a missionary, another missionary was telling a story about a guy in a speedo. She was trying to say he was really gross (asqueroso). In Spanish she said, "el fue muy peligroso," which sounds similar to gross but what she really said was, "he was really dangerous"

-Heidi Broadbent